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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
2:36 am - Affirmation of the Identity
I am not knowing what Zangief is having a bitch about:

Which Street Fighter are you?
Test by Nathan

Allow me to suggest that my large Soviet cohort may have been a shade less than truthful in his responses. Although in his own mind I am sure he is "good looking" and he certainly has been known to pull off the pants of those he trains with (when Blanka can even be bothered to wear pants to the training), he is certainly not solely the master in a master/student relationship. Between you, me, and the internet, my friends, I will share with you the secret that at his behest, I have been for years trying to show Zangief how to breathe fire (the first year was spent convincing him that for this, vodka was unnecessary). I believe he thinks that it will make him look cool, and perhaps impress the ladies. My belief is that it would take way more than that.

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
11:36 pm - Screw flying. I will be levitating.
My friends, I must humbly apologize for my extended absence. Certain world events combined with the poor ethnic discerning capabilities of a portion of the population have necessitated keeping a low profile as of late.

But if you will allow me, I am to regale you with a tale of travel:

In the past, I have always had my heart made lighter when I have found myself in the way of traveling to Japan for the circuit. The trip is made worthwhile if only for the view of the sunset from the rooftop of Ryu's dojo (though I sense I am not needing to tell some of you that). Additionally, Edmund is without a doubt the most generous and gracious host to be found. All of that notwithstanding, I will not get into that bathtub, local mores be damned. This is solely for the reason that, as it has happened, when some small object (let us say a hair-band or pin, used for the traditional sumo tie) goes down the drain, take a guess at who is drafted into fetching it. Go ahead; please to be taking a wild guess! May it well be someone among us who has spent untold hours in the pursuit of a reach beyond that of others? Someone who, unlike those around him, is not piled with grotesque layer after layer of muscle? It may indeed be! I will bathe in my room, thank you (especially with Edmund's ever-present female "attendants" at my disposal).

For all my love of Japan, getting there these days is another story. I am most definitely not assured of getting on the plane at all. I must get to the airport 5 hours before any flight, that I may spend three hours in a small dark room answering the same questions every time. Yes, it is a turban. No, I don't know him. No, I don't know him either. In fact, the only tyrannical despot I've ever met I set on fire and slide tackled. Yes, I am the Dhalsim. Hah hah, why don't I just teleport to Japan. Asshole. In the name of Brahma, is no one knowing how teleportation works?

And Guile has assured me that should I find myself in that situation, I may just mention his name and be freed, but this is not happening, no matter how many times I try. I am starting to think that Guile's influence within the government is not what he has been thinking, if anything at all. But still, much love to the man for explaining to me the concept of the "mile-high club" of which I am now a member many times over.

But to avoid the situation, my proposed solution of smuggling in under the cape of the mighty Zangief has been rejected by that fuzzy giant. And why, I can sense that you are given to asking? Because this man, this fearless hero of the empiric superpower, this behemoth with the greatest brute force known to man, this juggernaut of the Street Fighter tournament is AFRAID OF GETTING CAUGHT! "Zey vill find out and poot me in zhail!" Oh, by the grand consciousness which guides us all...

Another lesson that security has not yet learned: Do not order, command, request, suggest, or imply that our other traveling companion should be in a box. Perhaps checked and stowed in baggage. He is not taking kindly to this idea. Nor is the course of action desirable for him, fuselage integrity, the actual animals being transported in such a manner, or the electrical system of the plane. He will be fine in the seat he has purchased. Just, for both of our sakes, do not be trying to give him my vegetarian meal.

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Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
12:43 am - To be bald is to be beautiful?
Hello, hello again, my ethereal electronic companions.

I come to you with a predicament most dire. Are any of you owning a dog, or possibly a cat? Is it in the best interests of the animal to be shaving it when the warm weather is upon us? I have been told that the truth is not as the heart would believe, that these animals are no more comfortable without their heavy coats in the brutal heat than they are with them left intact.

I mention this because the mighty Zangief and I have been as late pondering the ramifications of shaving...well, allow me to say "a local stray" and leave it at that so as to not upset any particular person who may be reading this. As with all aspects of life, I struggle to follow the path of the most humane course of action.

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Saturday, March 2nd, 2002
2:06 am - The season of rebirth is almost upon us.
Hello again, my friends.

Being as I am from a much warmer climate, this "winter" is having a most profound effect on me. At first I found it interesting, this ice and frost and snow and such, but after a few months it is most definitely killing my buzz. I find my spirit turning toward thoughts of activities in warmer weather, such as barbecues, more specifically last Memorial Day...

The entire crew had gathered together, for Zangief had boasted for weeks about the cookout that would "kick ze summer off right, eh?" Now, I am loving Zangief like a brother, but he is not a hero in his mother Russia for the reason of his unrelenting brainpower. His neglect of lighter fluid almost had us ordering pizza to "kick ze summer off right." Fortunately we discovered a forgotten case of his vodka in the basement and it did the trick quite well. (Labor Day when I dared him to drink the actual lighter fluid to make up for his lost hooch, he just pounded me on the back and hollered, "YOU KID GOOD, TOVARITCH!" Whatever.)

Now, Ryu claims to be able to occasionally set opponents on fire with his chi abilities. This led to a little...competition in lighting the grill. This competition led to two slightly singed roommates who were standing too close to the barbecue at the time, despite our best warnings. I swear to Vishnu, sometimes I wonder who is hairier after all, Zangief or Blanka. All I am knowing is that I clean A TON of hair out of the bathtub drain every day, An you may be assured that none of it is mine. I am, as Vice refers to me, as bald as an eleven-year-old's genitals. (Sometimes I am really wondering about her, my friends. Sometimes...)

We did not eat until rather late, however. Zangief's steaks had to wait until Blanka grilled his...well, to be honest, I am not entirely sure what it was, only that it was twice the size of the grill itself. I believe he had just killed it that day as one side was mostly still blood-matted brown fur. I waited merely out of respect, of course, for none of the grilled flesh was for me. I had my curry, and Dan brought a potato salad that proved to be delectable. Also, Cammy brought some strawberry shortcake that proved to be a big hit with Blanka. No surprise there. Raiden did not even make an idiot of himself when he and Zangief got into a watermelon eating contest. Or the hamburger eating contest. Or the ice cream eating contest. Or the relish and mustard eating contest. Edmund showed admirable restraint.

Ah yes. Much like meditation, it is hard for me to come back to the rather mundane world after reflection on a day so perfect as that. It will not be long now until our first outdoor meal event of the new season. I look forward to such. So long, of course, as Benimaru is not being invited.

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Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
1:27 pm - Oh, for the crying of out loud...
Oh, now this is just perfect, my friends. Many months ago I have started this LiveJournal, as you are surely recalling. It is being perhaps the only place where I am finding any privacy whatsoever, so that I may be speaking freely about my life, my bitches, my career as a warrior, and also about my roommates, and how they are infuriating me so. But now, because Dhalsim has done something, Blanka and Zangief must be doing the same thing as well. And now also my next-door neighbor Ken has joined them in this! This is what I am talking about, my friends. They are such biters. I would just like to let it be known that I was having a LiveJournal before it was cool. Dhalsim out.

current mood: pissed off

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Thursday, December 27th, 2001
2:05 pm - Zangief is having NO game whatsoever.
It is bothering me that whenever my bitches are watching my roommates and me during our martial arts training, Zangief must always be showing off by spinning around to avoid my Yoga Fire balls. Just jump over them like everyone else, jackass. The ladies are not being impressed by your most foolish spinning.

He is always doing these things, acting so stupid around my bitches, and the bitches of others. He is thinking he is being wild and witty and charming, or something. He is so wrong it isn't even funny. It is enough to make me want to giving him a Yoga Kick In The Nuts, my friends. From across the motherfucking gym.

Get a clue, Zangief!

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Thursday, November 29th, 2001
4:18 pm - Giving much thanks
Here are some pictures from our most excellent Thanksgiving, which I would like to share with all of you, my friends.

Here is me with my most fascinating friend Shuma Gorath, and also one of my bitches, and our shorty. Please do not devour my shorty, Shuma Gorath! lol

My roommate Zangief brought his entire family over from his country of Russia. They were nice enough people, but I do not think I would be eating their nasty shit even if I were not a strict vegetarian. ^_^

My other roommate, Blanka, invited these people. I do not know what the fuck is up with them, my friends.

I am hoping you all had a good Thanksgiving!

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Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
4:01 pm - You're the extra arms on Vishnu...
Whenever I travel to foreign lands, usually to beat up on the locals, I am invariably asked the one question: "Dhalsim [for that is my name], how can you reconcile the following dichotomy: You meditate and pray for peace, yet you are a righteous ass-kicker. You are seemingly a quiet and honorable man, yet you set people on fire when they are incapable of more than punching you. And what is with the snakes and skulls? They are seeming so...out of place."

Well my friends, as we are all part of the universe, so are Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva equally represented in all of us. As with anyone, I create and I preserve. Yet that does not exactly make the headlines as does it when I destroy, now does it? I may grow a perfect lotus flower in our back yard, but where then are the photographers ready to put the moment on a T-shirt? When I remove a thorn from Blanka's paw or realign the spine of mighty Zangief or mediate a boundary dispute between either and Ken, where are the throngs of fans chanting my name to be found? Only when I reduce an opponent to cinder, as is the way of Shiva, does anyone take notice. The garland of skulls I wear around my neck and the compassion for the serpent, also taught by Shiva, are thought of as being more "Dhalsim" than my discus or my sacrificial ladle. Though I must admit, this is probably because I am not wearing those things in public as often.

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Monday, May 28th, 2001
8:32 pm - Instant Karma
Hello, my friends. Yes, it has been a most long time since we have been talking. My meditation has recently been on the subject of Karma. The bad deeds that we do in this life return to us as punishment, though almost never from the victim of our own wrongdoing. As with all things in our existence, this is cyclical in nature and in certain spiritual realms known as the Wheel of Karma. To wit:

Last week Blanka bit the mailman. Yesterday we have found out that he has worms. And the Wheel of Karma rolls on.

That raging bitch Sakura turned down my offer and entered the tournament with *Benimaru*. BENIMARU! I think we all know how I feel about that piefucker. However, the brackets worked in my favor and I got to set that little girl on fire! And the Wheel of Karma rolls on.

Zangief still has not returned Ken's weed whacker. He has been having that thing for two months now. The other day it turned on when he was changing the blade and he was cut very badly. He probably would have fared better if he was wearing anything in addition to his wrestling trunks and boots. Or if he ever did. And the Wheel of Karma rolls on. On the other hand, Zangief is most proud to be displaying his newest scars, as if they were the result of yet another "bear attack".

Further contemplation has led me to realize that Karma can be even more subtle and thorough than I had previously suspected. Perhaps the mailman was paying for some previous misdeed. I never did receive my mail-order Pamela Anderson incense holder. I'm just saying is all. In this instance, Blanka would be acting as an agent of Karma. Perhaps he was acting as such for the worms. Perhaps the worms...well, perhaps they...did something good...or bad...or...nevermind.

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Wednesday, April 4th, 2001
9:55 pm - Yogayogayogayogayogayoga
Last night, a woman asked me what, exactly, Yoga is. After showing her some of the more... practical applications, I patiently explained to her that it is the perfect self-discipline, artfully combining balance, flexibility, and inner harmony. Over time, Yoga can perfect a person so that there is no suitable competition to be found. To truly test my skills, I must seek out and challenge only the best of the best of Yoga practitioners.

This leads me to my point: Sting, you have ducked and dodged me for too long, oh yes. Oh sure, you are all big with the talk when there is no Dhalsim in town, but somehow you have eluded the Yoga ass-kicking you have been deserving for a most long time. I waited outside of the VH-1 Awards for over 4 hours, my punk-ass friend, and where was Sting? Where was Mr. Tantric to be found? I will go a-do-do-do a-da-da-da all up on your shit! What!?! WHAT!?! You think I will be wrapped around your finger? Oh no, you are not to be doing that. My fingers will be wrapped around your neck... so for now savor every breath *you* take, Gordon.

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Friday, March 30th, 2001
12:07 am - C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)
My friends, as a holy man, I do not condone (and most certainly do not prefer) a violent lifestyle. But my girls, they are needing that bling bling, and the Street Fighter tournament is
an excellent way to make big bank. Some say I fight for the hundreds of thousands of impoverished children in India. This is also true, but only because most of them are my children. lol.

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Thursday, March 22nd, 2001
1:57 am - Toward Spiritual Enlightenment
During my meditation last night, I experienced an epiphany. As my heartbeat slowed, my breaths went deep and long, I started to feel the tangible world slip away from me. My mind detached itself from my body and I approached another plane of existence. Awareness flowed all around me like the river Ganges flows around a sacred Brahma. I sensed an inner peace, the likes of which I have seldom known before and flew ever faster toward a bright white light. I knew that once i reached the light, true nirvana would be mine. It was then that I had the greatest realization that has ever come over me:
My roommates can be real assholes.

You see, I never got to reach that peaceful enlightening plane because Dickhead Blanka had to choose that precise moment to start pounding on his bongos. I had to return to my body and go to his room and tell him to KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF! But he just looked at me and tried to pretend he didn't understand human speech. I hate when he tries that shit. "Oh, I'm Jimmy! I'm from the rainforest. I can't understand what you're saying." Bullshit.

So I went to find Zangief to try to get him to make him stop. But he was in the backyard signing for a shipment of giant oil barrels and I know what that means. I was lucky he did not see me.

Honestly, sometimes I do not know why I bother trying to meditate around here at all.

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Wednesday, March 21st, 2001
12:53 am - Update on future women...
Oh yes, my friends, Chun-Li will be mine. She has given me that look when we fight together. I will meditate on this. Mai, however, I asked back to my place after the tournament last night and she declined. She was most non-respectful in her manner as well. She is probably a lesbian, my friends.

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